Saturday, September 8, 2012

A Class Act~

This post is written for challenge no-44
for Romantic Friday. Click here  to participate. 

Do you believe in moments or in eras? I believe in moments and in romance that can happen, in that moment. Strange? I know. However strange is the way some people are… 

We knew each other for long, as neighbors. And as Kids, we attended the same play school and had the same play groups. She called herself Danny, even though she was Denise to us: a non conformist and a non common person.

I lost touch with her in standard three, when she passed over to middle school. And, it was earlier this year; she came back to my batch in Senior High after she flunked again. We connected when she sat next to me for Chemistry and Physics. And on Saturdays, we walked home together: Bus service from school was unavailable on weekends. But, it was no trouble for us for our homes were not far placed from school.

This was where; I usually go unapproachable on her. All the tension building inside me because of my close proximity with her during school hours died, walking. My fascination for her ended as soon I plug in on my iPod.

Mrs. Mathews, her Mom, a leader in our locality always came home without fail before every election. Mom did not like her. But we supported her for the simple reason that no other contestant personally called on us. Mrs. Mathews never failed to mention how her daughter Denise was growing up, sooner than allowed. She would ruffle my cropped hair and say, ‘See, Jas is still a baby’.

That day, after school, walking back home with Danny, I realized I hated Denise for all my inadequacies, for all the unsolicited comparisons. I fell short before her even though I had gone a few inches taller than her. She managed to make me feel inadequate without even trying.

She had this amazing peach like complexion even though she played Basket ball. And her brown eyes reminded me of two muddy pools. She had a Monroe pierce and a silver bell adorn her lower lip. Her one-size-small tee was deliciously filled.

It was late afternoon, and as we walked, we brushed each other’s sides. She held my hand on and off and was generally being a pal. She wore a sheer top. "Darn, I could see her inner-wear".


We were at the end of the park and there was no one around. I was breathless and felt crowded by her.  It took me time, to return her gaze. And when I did, all I saw was her mouth. A touch of orange gloss had my heart doing a sprint. I realized, I would go nowhere with this. "But try telling that to a sixteen year old".


I pulled my earphones out with my free hand and she dropped her denim sling to the ground. We were alone and finally in sync with one another.

‘Have you ever kissed a girl, Jasmeet’? She asked, stepping closer to me and putting her arms around me. When she touched my hair, she distracted me big time. I held her gaze and clutched my ear phones hard.

‘Nope, not really’, I replied and closed my eyes. I desperately tried to open my mind to her dark world.

‘Neither have I? Since we were little girls, I have been meaning to do it’.


This is where I squandered the moment and ran…

Picture from google images.
 Words: 565

79 comments:

  1. I loved the post. The French have a term for the moment you fall in love with someone which roughly translates into "The Thunderbolt". As for the last line, I completely relate to it. A lot of girls ran away from me HAHA :D Jokes apart, very nice ending :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Sandy man,


      Thank you for your first comment..! It is always special to me.
      Now, now, a lot of girls run away from you, kyun? Aap close up
      kiya karo na:))

      Glad you like the end~

      Delete
  2. Replies
    1. Dear Mridula,

      You are right, that is the age for experiments. Thanks :)

      Delete
  3. Great post, you captured the age well, the curiosity, the hesitation, the fear and jealousy.

    My only suggestion read it aloud, it seemed to need a few corrections, such as "My fascination for here stopped" or "I had gone a taller this last month" and "somehow her limbs stilled looked longer to me."

    "separated by her nose." Here I would add aristocratic or something descriptive for her nose otherwise it makes the picture end with just a nose...but maybe it's just me.

    I hope I'm helping. It didn't hurt the story, it was sweet.

    "And since, we were little girls; I have been meaning to do it. This is where, I squandered the moment and ran…"

    The key moment, perfect!

    Thank you for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Yolanda,

      Welcome and thank you, so much for your feedback. I really appreciate your sincere review.
      It is not you, it is me as well. I know, those parts jar and they meant to.

      My protagonist is a gawky teenager, very uncomfortable in this situation.
      Thus the voice could not be poetic. It had to be like someone, who
      is noticing things but not very happy about them.

      Bye for now and hope to see you again~

      PS: I wrote this in a hurry, will correct the stilled typo :)

      Delete
  4. Hi,

    Love it, love it: "I squandered the moment and ran…" Beautifully crafted drama, and at that age every thing is a big drama! ;)

    best
    F

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Francine,


      Welcome dear, thank you so much for your feedback :)

      Delete
  5. Dear Ghazala,

    You have chosen an interesting solution for this challenge. Your story is about a form of forbidden love, that would make many hesitate, no matter how attractive it may feel in the moment. Your protagonist is attracted to Danny/Denise but understands that if she actually kissed her, she would be stepping into a world that she may not want to enter. She is running away from part of herself as well as from Danny/Denise.

    Clever take on the theme. Unusual. Well-written. Engaging.

    Best wishes,
    Anna
    RFW - I should have kissed you

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Anna,

      Thank you so much for your detailed feedback.
      I really appreciate this.

      As you know, my first time on your forum and
      your feedback gave me encouragement. Thank again ~

      Delete
  6. Hi Ghazala
    Oh what a twist at the end. You captured the innocence that blossoms into curiosity very well. Didn't expect the same sex though, or did I miss something? Good writing.
    Nancy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello Williams,

      You did not miss anything, it is written with
      the intention of a twist. Thank you :)

      Delete
  7. Mmm! Deliciously written! And, as Sandy says and quite a few will, a lovely ending!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Suresh,

      Coming from you,a writer I admire, this is a huge compliment for me.

      Thank you so much :)

      Delete
  8. Very good... the romance is actually spilling out.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Goingby,

      Thanks man, wait till you read some of my other posts(I am yet to publish ob this blog)
      and you would know, I love writing only romantic stuff :)

      Thanks~

      Delete
  9. Wow! I was waiting for more till the end came! :)

    Like Suresh ji said...yea..Deliciously written! xD

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Jen,

      Welcome to my space..! I love your DP.
      Thanks a bunch :)

      Delete
  10. This is a real good post that will keep readers waiting for more. Ghazala has good command over romantic writing. This is not very easy though. This is smart writing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Suhas,

      So nice to read your comment. Wrote this in a hurry..!
      Need to edit it some more. But thanks for enjoying this :)

      Delete
  11. Replies
    1. Hi Amit,

      I am glad, you liked the ending. Thanks always :)

      Delete
  12. :) 'catch them young' they say :)
    Beautifully written indeed! Excellent ending! Phenomenal!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello Amit,


      Thank you so much, I always look forward to your feedback :)

      Delete
  13. Aha....you picked up the right group !!
    Writing romantic stories flows out of your pen so easily!!
    Loads of reality in the story, Ghaz!! :)Enjoyed :))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Panchalidi,


      Thank you so much..! Hugsssss..!
      You know me so well! I plan on sticking to this group
      as and when I find the time:)

      Delete
  14. Ghazala, thank you for posting for us this weekend. If you only like writing romantic stories you've certainly come to the right place.

    How refreshing is your story of the gawky teenagers. Yet one of these teens knew her bounds, didn't she? No wonder the Mom didn't like her, perhaps afraid for her bad influence on her little girl.

    This would have been an apt entry for the next prompt - Oh How I Hate My Beautiful Friend! Perhaps you can move on with this story and write some more??

    Just letting you know that to be in the running for Featured Writer you have to become a member...you can easily join up on the RFW site.

    Denise

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Denise,

      So glad to see you here. My protagonist is your name sake.
      What a lovely name you have. Yes, you are right, the next prompt
      fits well on my story.

      Will take your advise and try to move my story further for Challenge no 45.
      Thanks and God bless :)

      Delete
  15. now thats a refreshing story ! i really enjoyed :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi TTT,

      Refreshing you say, thank you I say :)

      Delete
  16. Narrated so beautifully, sensitive topic handled delicately... Lovely!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Magic,

      Yes, this is a sensitive issue, could have easily come across as something else :)
      Thanks man. Good day~

      Delete
  17. Welcome to RFW! This is such a tough age! This piece brought back all of those awkward feelings. Very well done

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Heather,

      You have such a pretty name.
      Will, use in one of my stories soon :)
      Thank you for relating to my post~

      Delete
  18. Very well done. And, yes, gawky teen experiments often go wrong. I don't know who to feel for, Denise or Jas ...will their friendship, delicate as it is, survive?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Rek,

      I plan to take it further, let's see how
      it goes. Their friendship is on a roller coaster now :)

      Thanks for reading me~

      Delete
  19. I wasn't expecting that twist at the end :) Well done on wrapping up all the emotions, the fleeting interests, and clinching it with the both are girls hitch. I like how you kept the MC gender a secret up til the end. The teen growth comparisons are so typical; and the attraction was well developed. Lot of beautiful lines in this.

    My only suggestion is to watch unnecessary punctuation that interrupts the flow.

    Thank you for participating in this weeks RFW challenge Ghazala. I hope to see more of your intriguing writings.

    ......dhole

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Donna,

      Thanks, can you believe it, I just removed 10 or 15 comma from the post :))
      How come I did not notice it? BOOHOO. Thanks for letting me know and also
      for your detailed feedback.

      I truly appreciate it ~

      Delete
  20. Beautifully Written.
    "I squandered the moment and ran..." - it happens so many times...!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Vikram ji,

      Thank you for reading this. A feedback from you
      is always precious :)

      Delete
  21. Beautiful Ghazala...Very engaging read and very nice writing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Jaish,

      Happy that, you found it engaging
      What else a writer want :)

      Thanks ~

      Delete
  22. I second Jaishree here for this very engaging read, Ghazala:)

    ReplyDelete
  23. I like how you portray young love against the conflicts of other adolescent preoccupations.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Madeleine,


      Thanks for your valuable feedback :)

      Delete
  24. You've captured the feelings of sexual orientation along with the awkwardness of the teenage years. I certainly felt the anguish. I look forward to reading other entries from you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Sally,


      Thrilled with your impressions of my story.
      Thanks and keep in touch~

      Delete
  25. Falling in love as a kids is so sweet and so terrifying. Well written. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Kiru,

      Yes, love can be all that and more :)
      Thanks and hope to see you more on this space ~

      Delete
  26. hmmm young love and all .. it took me some moment to realise


    Bikram's

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Bikram,

      LOL, I could fox you. Thanks :D

      Delete
  27. so another interesting and gripping read --what do I say A BLOCKBUSTER WRITE UP ----keep it Ghazala hum apke fan hai aur rahenge

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Rajs,

      Or should I call you Karan Johar?
      Thank you for this BLOCKBUSTER comment.
      You know i love you :D

      Delete
  28. A very unique take on the same! Liked how you held it as Jas throughout and then finally brought about the revelation! Aah, teenage. The age where everything needs to be figured out for themselves! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Deepa,


      The prompt brought me here. glad you liked my take.
      Thanks and good to see you here :D

      Delete
  29. loved the post ,......damn well narrated and cuteness was at its best :) :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Vinisha,

      It is that age, when everything is exciting.
      I loved writing this one and happy you liked my writing :)

      Delete
  30. that was beautifully written,teenage thoughts brought out so delicately!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Princess,

      What a sweet name..! Thank you for reading this.
      Welcome to my space sweet~

      Delete
  31. Nice build up to an very unexpected ending. You portrayed the awkward teenager VERY well. VERY believable. Well done!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Michael,

      How are you? Thank you for your feedback.
      I am glad, it came across as believable:D

      Delete
  32. Adolescents is a tough period in ones life, it's full of uncertainty, fear, determination, finding one self. I think you captured that awkward stage of adolescence very well and the characters definitely seem believable and genuine. This COULD really HAPPEN! And it does happen! Thank you for sharing your post with us all! I've always said that the key to understanding today's teenagers is to look back on our teenage years and put ourselves back in their shoes so we can remember what it was like for us, it's the same for them. That's the key to understanding how to help them through this rough and difficult time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Crystal,

      Again such a sweet name. You are right, when we see kids
      we must look back and remember our childhood.

      Thank you, I am so happy to have you here :D

      Delete
  33. It gave me goosebumps as I read this post.... teenage is such a wonderful age to be. We are sure yet confused...beautifully narrated!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Me,

      Your feed back made my effort worth while.
      Thank you for reading this :D

      Delete
  34. Thats such a sweet post. Well done Ghaz :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Haricharan,

      So happy to see you reading this.
      I was worried, I would not able to keep it
      sweet. thanks :D

      Delete
  35. Expecting much more at the end..a little disappointed :P..but a nice twist..a wonderful post Ghazala..loved it..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Ranita,

      There is a word limit to this challenge. Some 600 words.
      So, wrote that in mind. Hope to please you more next time :D

      Delete
  36. Dear Ghazala I have really started liking the way you write...congrats...wish you all the best :)

    ReplyDelete
  37. Hi Ksb,

    Welcome to my space..! I am happy you liked my writing. Hope to see you around here. Thanks :)

    ReplyDelete
  38. Nicely written. The desperation ,experiment of doing things and making self look different and their relation to the age presented in a nice way.

    I adore the way you write. Thanks for the presents to the unknown people like us in your words and thoughts.

    ReplyDelete